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Monday, 9 March 2015

"Confession" time

I am sure many of you can guess how much I do not like religions and especially the one I grew up into: catholicism.
But confession if taken the right way is not all bad.

A  few weeks ago, K. asked me a question for my blog about victims and perpetrators. Something like: When do the victims stop being victims and start being perpetrators?
I wrote a bit about it but I couldn't find a satisfactory answer.
We talked again about the subject on Skype today with K. and it struck me how much it was a bad question and how much we were all both victims and perpetrators.
It seems to me that all borders we can find there would be purely arbitrary and would not take us very far.
We were all victims and perpetrator and I wonder if there is really a difference between the good guys and the bad guys.
Wondering if R. (one of Chinmoy's nasty queens) is not just a part of ourselves.
The centre was a perfect game where some would play the game of the over-devoted torturers and some of the nice and easy going disciples, and it was through this complementarity that not only the system kept running but was very strong too. Just the fact that we were staying in the centre made us perpetrators of the system.
It is just a mind game here, but it is an interesting perspective and I like it very much.
And I have a feeling that if we can open a door to this idea and go beyond the good guys / bad guys duality, we may open a space that could be more welcoming for people who showed "bad" behaviour" in the centre.
I noticed that we are only among "good" guys here. I don't think anyone here was a sheer fanatic mistreating other disciples. Maybe I am wrong, maybe some of us were torturers. Where is the limit ?
It all goes back to take our FULL RESPONSIBILITY as victims. I believe the only thing that can really take us forward and avoiding repeating the same experience is understanding what in us made us look for and accept this kind of treatment we were getting from CFG and other disciples. And not only we did accept it, but we were looking for it. Otherwise, we would have chosen another path.

So here is my "confession" :

I fully was a part of the Chinmoy system and I take the full responsibility of my actions there. I realized over the years since I left how much I was looking for disempowerment and how much I was looking for someone to take the full responsibility upon myself, because I could not see how to do it myself. It is getting better every time and I realize things faster. But I had at least 3 other experiences since I left the centre 6 years ago, of giving too much power upon my life to someone. This is a general tendency in me I am slowly healing and from this perspective, I no way I can say I was a victim of Chinmoy. I was looking for someone to take full possession of myself.
I used to hand flyer for classes, put posters on the walls, give classes. I was not successful in getting new disciples but I was trying hard. I was running my restaurant under the name Chinmoy gave to it. I was dying to get the name before I got it. My restaurant was full with Chinmoy's photos, painting, music, books, disciples workers. Manifestors were sometimes working from there. I was aware that my customers were getting some intense Chinmoy feeding together with the food. I made this restaurant one of the most succesful veg restaurant in Paris. I was using the money I made  there to pay for the french manifestation, for the rent of the centre, for my crazily expensive Xmas trip, rather than for raising the salaries of my workers (But they always got at least the minimum salary per hour as far as I can remember and I was making sure they had decent housing and that they could go to joy days, celebrations, and Xmas trip if they were accepted. I am very proud of that. I am not sure this is true about the first few years when we were not making money at all and when in fact my mum had to put about 30k euros to save the restaurant). I was one of the main organizer of CFG's visits and piss concerts in the years 2000. I lied to a hall owner to get us there, pretending it was for a humanitarian event. And I was very good at this kind of lies. (This lied I did in 2006 I think when P. did not properly book a function hall. 3 weeks before the event we had nothing. I got the hall. The problem is I had forgotten that the mayor of the city next to Paris where the hall was had for mayor one of the main anti-cult member of parliament in France. When the owner of the hall saw what it was all about, he got furious as he already was in trouble with the mayor). I was involved quite a lot in any kind of manifestation in France. I was collecting money from the disciples for the manifestation. I as collecting money to pay for the rent of the centre. I was reporting people who were not following the rules to New York (I admire so much today people like Pierre-Yves who were not doing it. I was too afraid to get in trouble if I would not do it). I got a few kicked out over the years. I was trying to convince to stay disciples who wanted to leave. I was quite aware of my special position and the special attention I was getting from Chinchin and I was looking down at some other disciples. Later I realized that attention was more about politics and I let that go. I am sure I forgot a lot, but I am getting bored.
Oh yes, I forgot that one. Big One. I already talked about it in a post, but here is the full version. In april or may 1998, I was totally burned out. I had no dishwasher for a saturday night diner service. I ended up doing it myself. I was furious and I was shouting at my workers. Maybe for the first time, one of them stand to me and did not bend. I got even more furious, I swept a tray of glasses with my hand. Cut badly my finger (needed stitches at the hospital later and loss for good some sensitivity in my finger). I was still furious and I ended up "painting" the wall and the front window with some of my blood. Thank God, all the customers were gone at this time and no-one except myself got hurt.
I take full responsibility for my actions. The system kept running because I, like many others, was accepting to keep being a part of it. It is not about the position we had, just about being part of it. But I do not feel guilty at all because I am back on the human side and I keep working on myself to understand why I got so far into this with my life.

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