This is my answer to the teasing of a friend for my "hiding" behind someone else's ideas rather than expressing my own ideas to a question I did not like about what in what form do we still exist after death.
When I saw your new thread earlier in the day yesterday on my iPhone when I was on the beach (yes, I'm a real addict to this group), I couldn't even read it. I said to myself, "this is so fucking conceptual and intellectual." It was even painful for me to try to read this. But I did it later at night. Thank you for teasing me here, because I think I'm gonna like very much writing about it and it will be some matter for my blog. I am still struggling with much fear about expressing what I really feel and think, especially when it goes against the spiritual mainstream. And it most of the time does.
Some people pointed out to me about my blog that sometimes I get conceptual and I hide behind modern spirituality and healing concepts. It was so hard for me to get it at first. I knew there was something important for me in what they were saying but I could not get it clearly. I think there is a lot of power and clarity in my writing and somehow those people were struggling getting past that and expressing clearly what they wanted to say. Then a few days ago when I was reading a draft I finally decided not to post, it all became very clear to me. Every time I get into some difficult zone emotionally, every time I get somewhere I am not transparent and clear with about myself, I get away from the difficulty by getting into my intellect. Exactly what spirituality is not about to me today.
I started this life by becoming very early, as a child, an intellectual. I believe people who have too much pain inside to handle get away from it by developing a strong intellect. Later on, while in the centre, I went one step further in disconnecting from my emotions. I had faith in Chinchin and I integrated the belief that if one gets light in his spiritual heart, it will end up purifying the lower parts of the being. Deny the emotions and you will get better. Such bullshit. Repression and disconnection from the lower parts just make it worse, to the point where the body is deeply hurt. Chinchin was a shining example of this, ending up his life so fat, with so much physical pain and it seems by being diabetic. And many people that stayed too long in the centre ended up with very unhealthy physicals and even sometimes with deadly diseases. That may seem very cynical, but in this way maybe that's where it takes someone: to be a true disciple.
And about getting beyond the mind, this is another nonsense of the fat avatar's teaching. Yes, I learnt to stop identifying myself with my thoughts and emotions and I believe it's a very good thing. But in my experience, the mind exists far beyond conscious thinking. I believe that in a way my fifteen years of Chichin's way of meditation reinforced my mind's control. Not identifying is good, but it took me a lot of energy and conscious work to stop trying to control my emotions and thoughts.
I experienced and I keep experiencing every day that we exist far beyond the physical.This is so real to me. I rarely see it as clearly as when I get the news that someone has died. This is where I see how much we live in an illusion. Death has always been so unreal to me. The person still exists inside me, and I believe that is what it is all about. In this way there is no death. Of course, for many years it had something to do with me being disconnected from my emotions. But then, after the centre, I finally allowed myself to feel the pain and the loss when someone is passing. But the feeling that death is unreal and that the person still exists is still there.
This may be the main reason why I do not need to answer this question.
The other reason is that I am fully aware, I believe, of how much the mind is limited in terms of transcribing the inner reality. The mind is such a limited part of our being. There is no way it could grasp the inner reality. Trying to do it is just feeding more the mind and giving it more power to keep limiting ourself, if we cannot do it with keeping the feeling of the experience. Even if there is still a form in the inner/ beyond worlds, which I don't know, there is no way the mind can express it properly through words. In higher states of the mind, we can get a feeling of the reality beyond, but when we get into more gross matter through the world, we are losing the feeling.
Of course, I still try to make sense and to put things into words, but I am happy that from being so extreme in wanting to find explanations to every inner process and experience I am slowly letting it go, with the help of the painful feeling of disconnection from myself I have when I get there.
So I may not really agree 100% with what M. said here and it may have been a way to avoid expressing myself. But still, I enjoy very much how she is free from a certain kind of spiritual correctness.