Where do you think your 'sabotaging' actions come from? Are they an integral part of your nature, do you think, or have you learnt them from parents, lovers, friends or the centre itself ?
In terms of symbols, which is the system I am working with as a therapist, I have two very contradictory messages at the root of my unconscious mind.
The first one is an interdiction to being alive. It seems there was a big unconscious fear in my mum when I was born and it got transmitted to me right away.
This fear was about invading her space. Something like she was unconsciously feeling that me being born, me being alive, would take away her freedom. This fear was so strong in her that it was related to a fear of death.
The way it got transmitted to me was something like: "If I live, my mum dies". So all my life, I've been struggling to be alive, to be present in the world. I've been regularly entering into those spaces where I would unconsciously cut myself from the world and others and be in a half dead state, just pretending to be alive.
The second one is an injunction of greatness. Something like a message my mum gave me in a way like, "My son you will do great things". Of course, this was mostly unconscious from her and was probably not formulated that way. It was a big family thing. My granddad wanted all his children and grandchildren to do something great with their life, in terms of social success.
Now imagine what could be happening in my unconscious mind:
If I do anything, it has to be great.
But if I do something great, it means I am alive.
So I would always look for doing something great, but at the same time, if I would succeed, for my unconscious mind, it would mean that I am alive and that my mum dies.
This is how my mind moves in circles. I believe most of us have circles like this, but this one is a very strong one that makes life almost impossible.
That, in the symbolic system, how the unconscious mind is working. Through very irrational associations.
I just want to add that this is how I see things today, in my own universe. This may not be how it happened, but this is how I have lived it.
Now, that's where it gets interesting about the Centre.
I have this big interdiction against living. I have already been sabotaging my life a lot. The main sabotage was not passing my exam after my first year of business school, when I was doing so well with my life there.
After my business school year, I entered deeply into a kind of disconnection from life. I just couldn't live. I was cutting myself off from my friends and from everything that made me alive.
Then I found the perfect answer to that. I found a spiritual path, with many interdictions against being alive, where we were mostly cut from life. It was like a little box where I could be alive. But with many limits. So my unconscious mind could allow me to be kind of alive, because in its own perception I was not really because there were so many limits.
This way, I could have a lot of success in the Centre because :
1) I was not really alive as there were so many things of life I was not allowed to enjoy.
2) Any success I would have there would be perceived by my unconscious mind as not being a success of mine. It was Guru's success.
So from this angle, from this point of view, being in the Centre just made me go deeper into my neurosis. It did not bring anything to me in term of overcoming my unconscious limitations. When I left, I got caught again into as much as I was before joining.
But on the other hand, so much happened in the Centre. I did so many things. I got a very solid experience of connection with Being. I was living everyday the experience that we exist far beyond our physical body and our thoughts. I developed a lot of emotional and spiritual intelligence. So maybe those years were just about getting into higher levels of energy so I could now, today, finally get through and overcome what was making my life impossible.