I know that you have lost a brother, because I remember when it happened. As this loss is obviously very personal I will totally understand if you don't want to talk about it. But as I have experienced loss myself I was wondering if you heart has managed to reconcile the loss or if it still hurts you. Excuse me if this is too personal - I ask it out of sympathy and not voyeuristic curiosity.
This is not at all too personal. I am happy to chat with you about any subject, no matter how intimate it is.
On April 12th, 1996, maybe at about 11am, a disciple who was working at Guru Stationnery came to see Haridas at the breakfast place, the Smile of the Beyond, and asked him if he knew a 'Guillaume'.
I was there, taking breakfast with Haridas. The guy told me I had to take a phone call at Guru Stationery.
I went there. My mum was on the phone. She was crying and she told me my dad had passed away in the fire at the Dusseldorf airport on the day before.
I was quite chocked. Started crying. I told my mum I was coming home as soon as I could. She told me Air France would fly me back for free: my dad passed away in the Air France lounge at the Dusseldorf airport during the fire so he was considered to be an Air France passenger.
I decided to go anyway to the tennis court for the morning function. Maybe Haridas told me it would be a good thing anyway to see Guru while I was in a state of shock like this.
Guru was there. I sat on the bench. Sometime later, Haridas came to tell me that Guru wanted to see me.
He was in his little house on the court. I sat in front of him. He meditated for quite a long time, maybe 10 minutes and told me:
"My soul is your eternity's father. I am very pleased with you. I am very proud of you. Now you will please your mother and your family and go back the day after tomorrow".
The meditation was extremely strong and most of my pain was relieved.
I had been a disciple for only two years and this moment made me someone "important" in the Centre, which as you know was mostly related to how much attention one got from the guru.
It was on April 12th, the day before the anniversary day, so the tennis court was packed and it was not common at all to have Guru meditating for quite a long time on a young disciple on such a date.
I already had got the name of my restaurant a year ago when Chinmoy was in Paris and I had been a disciple for only a year. I was feeling very special at this time, but over the year I realized this kind of thing had more to do with politics than with the evolution of the soul.
So I was out of the shock in a few hours and not very affected by my dad's death (!!!).
I went home and the shock was there. I was totally disconnected, out of the world, but everyone else was in so much pain.
I still had some very emotional moments, but I was mostly in another world. Not feeling pain.
I must add that death has always been quite a strange thing to me. I always had a feeling that we exist far beyond our earthly existence.
I was not suffering at all.
Another issue here is that I had quite an awkward relationship with my dad. Joining the Centre was probably the first decision in my life I took without my dad's consent. In fact, I hid it from him for months. It was only 6 months after joining the path, when I came back from my first August celebrations that I told him I had an Iindian guru. I felt that my Dad's loss was almost a relief, as it was so difficult for me to act freely from him.
But in terms of reconciling with loss, I had been cut off from myself. I was just negating the emotions.
15 years later, in 2011, when I was in Bali practising body meditation I got an opening about all the pain I have been accumulating in my system and quite a lot of unreleased pain from my dad's loss came to the fore. It has not hurt me anymore since.