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Sunday, 8 February 2015

Yes, expressing my anger is helping me.

An answer to an ex-disciple who told me on a Facebook group that expressing my anger was not helping me.

I joined only in 1994. But I was very quickly deep into centre activities, as I opened my restaurant in Paris a year after becoming a disciple and was given the name of it right away.
I asked a few questions to Guru through you. Haridas told me you were the fastest way to get answers. It was probably quite unusual, but you were very nice and sweet with me, maybe a little amused at my enthusiasm and innocence.
Finally allowing myself to post here regularly for the last few weeks, almost 6 years after I left, is making me very alive.
I do it how it comes, not trying to look spiritual, but just allowing my deep feelings to come to the fore and express it. It's amazingly healing. Finally, many positive memories are coming back. I had deeply buried everything about my centre years. I was so burned out when I left and it took me many years to get away from the mess I created by following Chinmoy's advice to take a restaurant that had a too big a rent and a loan to pay back. It did not end well. I lost a lot.
From my perspective, in my own universe, as we all have our own, I cannot understand how people can try to save Chinmoy's image. No matter how one takes it, spiritually, earthly, morally, legally, he was a criminal in many ways. I live in India now so I know what you are talking about when you say he was not from a Western culture, I mostly agree as I understand quite a lot for a Westerner I think how the Indian mind is working. But that doesn't make what he did acceptable. It would not be acceptable if it had happened in India either. It is an important issue: should we go beyond the criminal aspect and see the good things he has done ?
The problem here for me is that I now see his spirituality as a kindergarten one. I see the kind of meditation he taught us as very disconnected, heroin-like (as some posted earlier today), not helping with mental issues but just allowing us to bear the unbearable. There are many forms of spirituality I find way more interesting. His weightlifting, we now know it was cheating. His paintings and drawings? Sorry, no! His melodies I like very much, ok. The manifestation projects? God, they were already a torture for me when I was in the Centre. What's left? The intensity of life we had there, the nice people. Yes, but at what price? Having my spiritual sisters sexually abused? Having my spiritual brothers and sisters thrown out into the street with only some relatives they had kept at distance to turn to? Having had for 15 years burned my ass in a restaurant that was there to promote his own image, and that was extremely difficult to run according to his way, and not only having nothing left financially but also having lost all the money I put in 1995 when I started? I am not bitter, I am not angry; but parts of me are. I need to express them.
Would I do it again, join the Centre if I had the choice to start everything again in 1994 ? Probably. Because it was rich, because it was intense, because it was sometimes extremely beautiful. And because that's what life is about for me. Does that make him a nice guy whose image has to be saved? No. Absolutely not.
From my perspective, and that's the only way I can express myself, either you are in denial or you have an agenda related to some connection you still may have with the Centre. That's fine with me. I don't need to know. But I would love to.
I will keep expressing myself the way I feel because that's exactly what life is about for me at the moment. This is what I have to learn. I have been most of my life a nice guy who was so affraid to hurt anyone. But I was hurting myself so much.
I can accept that you have different views. I'm still happy you express your view here. But I don't think I can understand.


  1. Looking forward to reading this blog. Well done Guillaume!

  2. Thank you Guillaume! I do think that things need to be more "out there".


  3. So happy that you express all this out ! Go on my friend, go on, I am with you <3 !

    1. Thank you Maureen. Your affection and encouragement mean so much to me.
      Writing makes me so happy. It's almost adictive. Already working on a second blog, with a lighter subject this time.