Integrating both the positive and the negative aspects of the guru experience, being able to feel both the horror of the abuse and the amazing energy that was around Chinmoy is a very difficult mental stretch. I feel I am getting there slowly. I had cut myself off from the positive once I started really facing the horror of the abuse. But now that I allow myself to express my inner shock and all the negative feelings inside, the positive is slowly coming back. I feel it's only once I'm able to easily connect with both sides that I will have a clear picture of my centre experience.
God, it's such a hard mental exercise.